Dont you take my kindness for weakness.

You should never let yourself fully rely on someone else, I feel that is not a good thing to let happen. Despite how good your relationship or friendship may be all things end and all people change. Don’t let your need for someone else take you over. You just got to do things for yourself…

So totally confused tonight, utterly baffled up in my little head. Nothing’s making sense and i’m feeling insignificant. In the most stinking mood possible, I need to sleep.

~confused about life~

Sometimes I find it really hard to cope with thoughts of my relationship with my dad. Most of the time I act strong about it but really it hurts me more than anything. There is nothing worse than not being granted the love you ever so wish for from one of the two people you should always have unconditional love from. It just seriously gets to me when I think about it in depth. I always feel as if I’m missing that specific piece inside. I will never understand how one can show no love to the one person they, themselves created for this world.

It would actually be nice to once have something good work out. I don’t want to once again be let down when I’ve been hoping for good change for a long while. Why can’t things like this be simple like in the movies?

My best friend makes me unbelievably happy even when she doesn’t mean to. Any time spent around her is good time. I am extremely grateful and lucky to have someone who I can fully confide with. It’s a rare thing and when found extremely precious.

It’s a special moment coming back to my big comfy double bed after spending my weekend in my previous single bed.

Wow things can be so lame. Recently I’ve been so confused by everything and everyone. Why can’t my mind think straight instead of getting twisted up into a bundle of other things. You’re confusing me. Your mixed attitude is confusing me. I’m totally lost in my own thoughts and wish I could just slow down and think straight for a second. I want to see a clean path in my head without other things getting involved.

It would be so weird to talk to you now, it’s been so long and I frankly don’t feel like I know you any more. There would be so much to say and catch up on. It’s frightening how life changes so rapidly and people you used to feel you knew inside out are suddenly cut off and forgotten.

My bedroom is seriously like my sanctum, I just lay here and am happily surrounded by all the little things in my life that mean something to me. I spend most of my time laying on my bed, watching movies and reading books. It’s strange that I can lay here for the amount of hours I do and feel fully content and satisfied.

‘It’s funny this necklace reminds me of a really random memory of my mother. I was a little kid and I was crying for one reason or another and she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth. I can remember seeing the little balls in this necklace rocking back and forth and there was snot just dripping down my nose, and she gave me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it and I remember thinking even as a little kid wow this is love, this is love’

You know it’s so painful to think about the last time I spent with my grandma. I came home from my holiday to Italy and was driven straight to my grandparents house. Already knowing things were increasingly getting worse I didn’t realise that she would only be living for another one week or so. As soon as I got back I went to see her. I can remember the layout of the room so clearly in my head. She lay in her bed in the middle of the room with flowers and cards dotted around the room. The room was already very significant and loved in my mind but right now I’m seeing it as the room she choose to live in for the last months of her life. She had chosen the room specifically as it was her favourite room in the house. From where she lay she had a direct view of her beloved garden, sprouting with an array of beautiful flowers and blossoming trees. I remember when I walked in for the first time after coming home from my holiday. She had changed so much since the last time I had seen her, which was only a little longer than a week ago. Now finding it hard to communicate  she just lay there listening to her classical music and being read books and poems by my mum and aunties. Previously I had sat beside her bed and attempted to read her an odd book, in which she and my mum laughed at my attempt to follow the bizzare story. She always loved hearing off my holiday experiences and I was excited to tell her about my very recent trip to Italy. Unfortunately she wasn’t able to communicate much any more and instead she held my hand whilst I told her about my experiences. I think that must have been the last time I properly spoke to her before she went into the coma. She was still alive and breathing however she could no longer communicate or have any awareness of us. Instead she would just lay there sleeping all day. I was woken suddenly around 3:00am on August 7th to the news of her passing. I remember going downstairs to the sitting room and the whole of my family stood around her bed. It finally felt like she was no longer with us and instead we were left with this empty body that resembled her. My aunty had placed a rose on the pillow beside her head.

It’s a common belief that butterflies signify a loved ones death and when my grandma died a moth was flying around the room. In a sense I believe it was a sign of her soul leaving her body and flying off to wherever it gets taken. She always loved to travel and I still believe her soul is flying around and exploring. I know I will see her again someday. I will never be able to repay you for all you’ve ever done for me, nor could I ever repay your endless labour of love.

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. 

I love going into record shops dotted around London and flicking through the Hip-Hop section, that’s probably one of my favourite things to do really. Then I have a handful of records but don’t have sufficient funds, in which that is the worst thing lol